Not My Typical Blog, But My Truth

This isn’t my typical blog. This one is about me, about how I’m feeling today, knowing I’m not the only one going through this. I know others are out there struggling too, even if we don’t talk about it.

Lately, when I look in the mirror, it’s not just the changes of aging that stare back at me. It’s the weight of debt, the exhaustion of choices no one should have to make: do I pay my loans or keep the electricity on? Do I keep the electricity on or do I eat? That’s the reality I live in, and I know I’m not alone.

I live with my two younger boys, and as much as I love them, I carry their struggles alongside mine. It makes my own battles even harder some days. And if I don’t cry in the bathroom or before I fall asleep, I feel like I need to. I push myself to smile, to stay positive, but it feels like the hardest thing in the world.

This time of year doesn’t help. I suffer from seasonal depression. When Fall hits, I get sad because I know what comes after....the dreaded winter. Where I live, winter means endless snow and freezing temperatures. I hate it. I still ask myself why I’m here, why I don’t live somewhere warmer. Then I remember: I don’t have the money to leave. I don’t make enough at my job to pay my bills and also have a life. I work 40 hours a week (sometimes more), get paid every two weeks, and somehow it never stretches far enough. I’ve even accrued vacation time, a whole week off... but what would I do with it? Sit at home because I can’t afford to go anywhere?

Life forces me to be the grown-up my age says I’m supposed to be. That means missing concerts this month that I really wanted to go to. And that hurts, because live music is my happiness. It’s my home. It’s the one place I can escape from the mental teardown of bills and survival. Being at a show, surrounded by people who love the music as much as I do, is what makes me truly happy. But life keeps demanding sacrifices.

Sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re unexpected. Like the other day my beagle Vic suddenly had blood coming from his private area. The vet thinks it’s a UTI, so now he’s on meds, wearing a belly band just in case, and I’m watching him closely. Of course, that means more money gone and another concert missed. That show was supposed to be with a friend I haven’t hung out with in almost a year, someone who always lifts my spirits. We’d been planning it for months. And just like that, kaboom... it fell apart. My heart hurts when something I’ve been looking forward to disappears in a flash.

Even the little things feel heavy right now. Cleaning the house feels impossible because I just don’t want to do anything. Last night I even had a finale party for a show I love... family, friends, coworkers all around and I still couldn’t get in the mood. All I wanted was to curl up in bed with my two beagles, Buster and Vic, and shut the world out.

The strange thing is, a couple of friends who live 3 to 3 ½ hours away somehow manage to pull me out of this slump, even if just for a little while. A simple text or Facebook message from them can brighten my day, remind me I’m not invisible. But when I think about how today was supposed to be one of those rare times I’d actually get to hang with one of them at a concert, it makes the sadness cut deeper.

And maybe part of this weekend’s weight is because in two days, it would have been my mom’s birthday. She would have been 79. Sometimes I still walk through the door and half expect her to be sitting on the couch, like nothing’s changed. But she’s gone, and I can’t break down in front of her anymore. I can’t say, “Mom, I’m struggling, I can’t do this.” I just hear her words echoing: Never depend on anyone, because they won’t always be there. And she was right. But now that she’s gone, those words feel heavier than ever.

No I’m not suicidal I’ve never been. I love this planet too much. I love watching the sunrise, and then the moon take its place. I want to be here. But life… life is getting harder. I go without a lot. I go without things I want, things that would make me smile, because I have to choose surviving over happiness. People say, “You only live once, so enjoy it.” But how do you enjoy life when bills keep piling up to the point where you’re forced to choose which ones matter most?

I don’t live in a reality where I have a husband or significant other (like back in 50's) to support me while I stay home. I don’t live in a reality where I get paid to do what I love. I don’t live in a reality where social media followers send me money just for being myself so I can go to concerts, buy a dinner out or shit even pay a bill. My reality is this: I have to do it on my own. And while that’s exhausting, it’s also who I am.

This isn’t my typical blog, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe sharing this small piece of what I’m feeling, just a chip off the mountain I carry..... might remind someone else that they’re not alone in their struggles either. I always share a music video that sums up how I am feeling. So enjoy the one below, Breakdown by Yungblud

Peace, Love and Loud Music,

Mickey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UL8MN5YF8v8

This song sums it up for me.