From Chaos to Music: Broken, Scared, but Still Chasing Passion

Some days, life hits you with everything at once. And I don’t mean a little bad luck....I mean full-on chaos that makes you question how you’re even going to breathe through it all.

It started with my beagle getting sick. Then my front tooth broke, the one I can’t hide when I talk or smile. I refuse to smile because of it. I feel embarrassed. I feel ugly. I feel like people are judging me, and honestly, that thought eats at me. I’ve had people actually do that... judge me because of something I can’t fix and it’s sickening. I can’t afford the $17,000 it would take to fix all my teeth, and insurance only covers $1,500. A few days later, I lost my beagle, one of the purest loves I’ve ever had. Family health scares followed. And then… I found out about a mass. A biopsy was scheduled. And on the same day, a layoff happened. So losing health and dental insurance.

I’m not going to lie....I’ve been struggling. Fear, anxiety, depression, the endless “what ifs” they’ve been full-on me. It’s hard to get out of bed some days. Hard to convince myself that tomorrow won’t be worse than today. Hard to see a way forward when everything feels like it’s falling apart at once.

Being an empath doesn’t make it easier. I feel everything, my own pain and the pain of everyone around me. I carry it all. I overthink it. I replay every worry, every tension, every “what if.” And when life piles on this much, it can feel impossible to breathe.

And yet… in the middle of all that chaos, there were people who showed up. People who checked in. People who reminded me that I’m not alone. Friends, family, co-workers....they didn’t try to fix it. They didn’t judge. They just were. And honestly? That might be what’s keeping me going. Knowing someone is in my corner makes the fear, anxiety, and self-consciousness a little less heavy.

Then… something incredible happened. Someone saw me. Really saw me. They saw my passion, my fire, my love for music. They trusted me to work their agency and not just work it, but to build it up. To create something meaningful. To take what I love and turn it into real opportunities for bands, shows, and community. And the excitement I feel? It’s beyond words. Finally, someone is giving me permission to follow that part of me that’s been whispering, screaming, tugging at my soul the whole time.

The only time I’ve really been able to do shows lately is during Trout Festival. And while it’s amazing, I know what it could be. I could make it huge, but with notice only a few months before, it’s almost impossible. Big bands book out six months to a year in advance. It takes money, time, planning....a lot of planning. But just being back in that world reminds me what I’m made for.

I miss working with bands. I miss live music.....the energy, the chaos, the connection. I’ve been seriously thinking about getting back into doing shows, really doing it. Spring and concert season are coming, and I can feel that part of me tugging again. Live music isn’t just fun... It keeps me mentally in check, reminds me who I am, and gives me a reason to push through all the fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and uncertainty life throws at me.

But as much as I am excited, the life I’ve been handed keeps me nervous and depressed. I’m trying to find a way to get back to myself. Trying to overcome all the bad. Trying to push through the fear, the anxiety, the grief, the embarrassment, the judgment, and the constant “what ifs.”

I’m taking steps, even small ones. I have to go to another dentist to see if I can get my tooth fixed cheaper. I’m planning to sell more of my crystal healing bracelets, some shirts I’ve designed, and maybe explore other creative ways to make extra money. Not just for survival, but to give people the chance to own something I created out of love and passion. To reclaim a piece of my life that’s mine, and remind myself that I can still build something meaningful, even in chaos.

The problem that scares me most? Even with all of this, my music, my creative projects, the bracelets and shirts I’m making to sell....I’m still going to struggle. Struggle to make sure bills are paid. Struggle to keep the electric, gas, water, and roof over my head. That fear never goes away, and it’s exhausting.

So yes… life has thrown everything at me: health scares, family stress, losing my job, losing insurance, breaking my front tooth I can’t fix, losing my beagle, the weight of being an empath, judgment from others, the constant mental battle of fear, depression, and “what ifs,” and the ongoing financial pressure to keep everything together.

And yet, in the eye of that storm, I found purpose. I found passion. I found a reminder that no matter how heavy life gets, there’s a part of me that refuses to stay down.

That part? That’s the part that will keep chasing music. That will keep building shows. That will keep creating. That will keep believing in what I love....because there are people out there already who believe in me too.

Peace, Love and Loud Music,

Mickey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcohgARJTWQ

This is my reminder!