Dancing Through Memories: A Mother-Daughter Rhapsody, Interrupted by COVID's Silence
- Mickey Miller
- Feb 25, 2024
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 20, 2025
Well, this is supposed to be my weekly blog, but today is different. It is flooded with painful memories. I usually write about things that pop up in my mind because I am always listening to music and thinking. Today I had memories of 2 years ago pop up, a very painful time in my life. My mother was in the hospital with Covid, slowly dying. Music helped me drastically back then. When I shower, I always have music blaring, I have my when depressed play list, I listen to it whenever I am depressed or having a bad day, because it pulls me out of it. Today it didn’t, it drew me back to pain, it also made me think of something I need to do for my kids. Which made me smile but sad at the same time. (this is a work in progress for them that they will see later) As we grow older things hit you differently. You look in the mirror and don’t see that same younger version of you, even though you feel younger inside it is fading. Your wants and needs are different. Back when you’re young and thriving you have no fear, you have no care in the world. Nothing can stop you, not even the fear of nuclear war. Yes, back in the 80’s that was our biggest fear, fear that Russia would attack us, but we didn’t give two shits, we were invincible. I have stated that Harmony Heartbeat by Mickey is about my love for music, concerts, musicians, the universe and my life. So here you go. I am going to give you a little background of myself, pieces of the things and people who made me who I am and why music is such a big part of my life and who I am. I was bullied when I was in 6th grade, made fun of, told my hair looked greasy, called all kinds of names, teased about my nose, oh you name it, I was called it. I would go home and cry to my mom and she would tell me to ignore them all and comfort me as much as she could (it must have been hard for my mom to see her only daughter hurting like that), then I would go in my room and put on the radio. Sad thing is I still can remember who did this to me, she was very mean back then and I wasn’t the only one she bullied. That is a story for another time. Anyways, I made it through grade school stronger because of the bullying. My mom was always there for me, she was the strongest person in the world in my eyes, she worked, and made sure my brother and I always had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. A lot of my family thinks we had everything we ever wanted, but what they don’t remember is my dad was on disability for an injury that hurt his back when I was in like 3rd grade, I don’t remember him ever working after that, except side jobs out of our garage, he was a mechanic and would redo cars on the side, when he wasn’t doing that he could be found at the horse races, good old DRC in Livonia. He wasn’t the greatest father either, my brother and I were called names by him, I cannot repeat the names we were called on here. Mental abuse was very fluent in my childhood. Life growing up was rough, parents who had different parenting skills, one was a corporal punishment type and the other more compassionate. Growing up with parents arguing and fighting all the time caused me to lock myself in my room and drowned it out with music. When you hear your father say that their life would be better if my brother and I didn’t exist was something that stuck with me for life. I loved my mom and dad more than anything. But my fondest memories were my mom listening to the radio and grabbing me to dance with her because she loved to dance. She wanted to be a professional dancer when she was young, that was her dream. She gave up her dreams to raise myself and my brother. I can remember watching her dance around the house when she wasn’t at work, music up loud, because my dad was at the racetrack. I would just watch her, and she would tell me stories about wanting to go see Elvis and how her father wouldn’t let her. She told me about hanging at The Whiskey in Hollywood when she was young. She grew up in SoCal (Southern California) she told me stories about the Rolling Stones when they first ever came to California. I remember thinking about how amazing that would be, I wanted to be like she was back then. She told me stories about her life as a child, stories about her as a teenager and then explained to me that her mom was her stepmother, that her real mother was mentally ill and that she hadn’t seen her since she was a little girl. That is when I learned that depression ran in our family. My real grandmother was diagnosed as manic depressant. This is when I realized that my mom was also depressed and suffering. She wasn’t happy with her life, she was doing the best she could, because she was raised when you get married you stay in it, you stay for your kids. My god that is what she did too. She didn’t divorce my father until I was like 20-21 years old. Watching my mom back then and being where I am now, I totally now understand why the music would be loud and why she would just dance. It was her escape. As we age and look back, we then notice what was going on. It isn’t until we get their age that they were at that time that we realize what was happening. When you are outside looking in, it is so different than putting those shoes on and standing in their place. This blog is my way of getting my pain out, my way of healing, my way of saying I am sorry mom that I did not see the pain in your eyes sooner, but I was just a kid/teenager. I inherited a part of my mother that used music to take the pain away. Music was our savior, it healed, it was there when we needed it. It never left us. I had to write this today, because 2 years ago today I sat in a hospital room crying, looking at my frail sick mother. Remembering her looking at me and yelling Mickey stop crying everyone dies, only for me to walk into the bathroom to dry my tears and walk back over to her and grab her hand and say but I don’t want you to die, and she looked at me with a tear and said I am sorry I yelled at you, I love you and I know you don’t want me to. Then she started to sing faintly with her eyes locked on mine “Goodbye Michelle, my little one, You gave me love and helped me find the sun, And every time that I was down, You would always come around, And get my feet back on the ground, Goodbye Michelle, it's hard to die, When all the birds are singing in the sky, Now that the spring is in the air, With the flowers everywhere, I wish that we could both be there.” Seasons in the Sun her song to me. Something I have kept in my heart since that day. She laid there so helpless, which was hard for me, because my mom would do everything and anything. She never needed anyone to help her. She was so independent, and strong. Yes, very bullheaded in the last 10 years of her life, we had our disagreements and arguments. She got a bit meaner in her old age, but that mother of mine who could barely walk would still blare her music and dance. I wish I could have picked her up and danced with her one more time to her favorite Neil Diamond. She made me who I am, as much as I said I never want to grow up and be like my mom, I now realize I am like her in a lot of ways. I lock myself up with music. I turn to it like she did to escape the pains in life, the mental abuse endured throughout life, being alone. I inherited the best parts of my mom, the compassionate, caring, life loving part of her, the love of music and dancing, the love for human life. For that I am thankful. I am sorry if you were all waiting for one of my music blogs but, today is a different music day. It is a somber music day. A day when I reflect on things, a day where I remember the miracle of a song. Where I look back, take a deep breathe, lock all the pain up, and remember the day the music died. These blogs are for you Mom. Thank you for being my mother, thank you for loving me, thank you for the gift of music and the gift of loving all humans. I love you and miss you so much. March 6, 2022 the day my music died ☹
Remember to hold on to memories!
I will be back with happier blogs this week. More music blogs on the way. Love, Peace and Music, Mickey
Please enjoy these clips I have memories of and the videos at the end.
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